The Shield that Never was
by Shakia
Summary: It was hard how none of them got that this was his shield. That he only broke because of them after he got to Atlantis.


**Title:** The Shield that Never was

**Summary: **It was hard how none of them got that this was his shield. That he only broke because of them; after he got to Atlantis.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned them I swear I'd make Sheppard's and McKay's friendship like it was in the first season. It makes me weep.

**Authors Notes:** What the frick? This really wasn't what I meant to write out at all O-o Though I kinda like it. Anyhow, basically it's about Rodney, his past, and who he is. And even though my original plot bunny went on a field run, over a mountain, through a cliff and off into space I still hope you enjoy it. P It's in the middle of McKay and Mrs. Miller but you don't technically need to have seen it. And I swear, I don't know where this came from; I was just channeling Rodney .. Oh right, and PLEASE tell me if this is at all out of character. I desperately need to work on this and would love to know the truth, no matter how brutal. Flames welcomed.

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It wasn't right for her to be here. It wasn't…wasn't right for her to do this. Bring up those stories again. These memories… They were embarrassing, most obviously a coal mine of blackmail for his team and the base but they…they didn't understand. It wasn't just stories of bullies shoving him into lockers. Wasn't just the crap of school and college alike and Jeannie…she knew that. She knew what it was really about…but in the same way he had avoided her for the last four years she had avoided that single truth for their whole life.

When their father died he knew Jeannie had forgiven him for everything. He wasn't sure if he ever could. Merrill McKay wasn't someone Rodney would call supportive. Wouldn't even call him a dad at all. His dad wanted a man, someone who wouldn't be pushed around, had good grades and above all would make him proud.

No matter how many times his father tried to nail it into him Rodney never made it close to that. He was worse than a failure, he was a disgrace. Even today Rodney was still trying, still recalling every time he'd tried to please the man. He hated him, but at the same time he needed something that he could never get.

Jeannie was everything their parents wanted…and everything he wasn't. She was clever, creative, everything they could have dreamed for. What was more she hadn't been shoved into locker after locker, hadn't had to come home wet and bruised with a raging father to face. With yelling and hitting and lost tempers.

He couldn't count the number of times his dad had called him a whimp. Couldn't count the number of times he'd been frustrated beyond reason and honestly couldn't place a time he'd ever even heard his father point out anything but the coward he was. He had to have been eleven when he decided to shut everything off. When the pain was so much he needed to stop caring what his parents thought…what anyone thought. Right around the time his piano teacher told him he couldn't play. Couldn't escape, couldn't even do that right. Couldn't do anything right.

And so he threw sarcasm and bitter retorts to the punches and yelling he got at school. He snapped at anyone who tried to get close to him and dove into the only other thing left to him: science. It was the only thing he had. It was logical, unfeeling. It couldn't hurt him. It couldn't disappoint. So people stopped caring, people stopped trying. The bullies kept coming, but now he had a defense; something even they couldn't brake. His parents went on hating him and making it very clear that he was the bottom wrung, the bad end of the deal…the son they never wanted.

And it stayed that way. He was kicked out of the house at fourteen and went onto college, graduated early and never let anyone near him. Never let them see the man behind the curtain; begin to realize he didn't just spurt out words at random that he actually chose them to hurt. He guessed that really, it would've kept going on like that, an act that would never end if it hadn't been for Samantha Carter. She had planted something there, been the first one passed his barrier in so long that it was unfamiliar territory. New and terrifying but somehow right. She had made him find something that he had forgot about for the longest time. Himself.

After he left he'd tried to build it back up. He was different, but the same. He still shot people down, still kept everything at a distance, but managed to keep what Sam gave him all the way to the Pegasus Galaxy. And that's where it all went wrong. It started with one ruffled haired colonel who managed to throw everything McKay tossed at him back in the form of a shrug or snark and slowly without realizing it there was this whole new person he needed to be proud of him. This whole new person he'd do anything to make trust him. To not abandon him. And then it wasn't long before others began to get through his shield too. He'd let his guard down and before he knew it he was apart of something knew and unfamiliar. A family. People who…who maybe…maybe really cared.

He'd really believed that at least Sheppard understood his insults for what they were. Somehow he'd managed to convince himself that no matter what his team, Atlantis would somehow pull through for him even if he was an ass. Even if he was arrogant and a coward. That just maybe they really wanted him there for being him, not for what he could do like every other job he'd ever had.

He'd been wrong, so horribly wrong and it had all blown up so spectacularly in the form of Arcutus. He'd been so sure it was their solution to everything. That it could save them from the Wraith, even be the key to defeating them. It was so important, so important it worked that he just couldn't let it go. No one ever forgave him for it. People stopped caring…Sheppard stopped caring...stopped trusting. He couldn't remember a time it had ever hurt so badly and he understood the reason why he had cut himself off from people, from the world, from everything that had once mattered and he'd give anything to get it back. To stop the pain for one second, to stop caring.

And now it was funny how no one got that this was his shield. Because Rod had been wrong. He did care what people thought. He cared so much it hurt. He only wished he could be eleven again. Only wished he could stop caring again. Wished more than anything in the world it would stop hurting. That he'd stop seeing Sheppard in an elevator, cutting him off forever. Stop noticing how he was the butt of everyone's joke, stop finding similarities to the school and home that had chased him all the way from the age of a child.

Rod was the reality who grew up with a caring family. He was the reality of a coward who never escaped childhood.

**The End**

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It's my view of McKay, sorry if it's not yours. -hugs him-


End file.
